Saturday, April 30, 2011

In limbo

Today has been... I don't even know if I can decide on a word to describe it.

It's been... eye-opening, sad, emotional, sunny (yeah, I'll throw that in there to lighten things up) and... that's all I can come up with right now.

I was going to clean my room, like I usually do every weekend. I was going to finish some school work, again like normal. I was going to play some music, figure out a set list for my school's upcoming Indie Night. Instead of doing these things, I went outside. I went outside and sat there. I thought about things. I thought about my life: how it used to be and how it is now. There are so many things in my life right now that I am thankful for, but I do have this overwhelming feeling of loss, that today, got the better of me.

I didn't quite realize how upset I still am about losing someone who meant- still means- so much to me until today.

Until today I simply focused on other parts of my life. I worked on my music. I worked on other friendships with other friends. I kept myself busy with school. Today though, I let myself think about it again. This was both a good idea and a bad idea.

I caught myself off guard. I didn't even know that was possible.

Something must be done. I must do something about it. I cannot deny that there is something missing in my life. Something that was once there. I've written several songs about it. It keeps coming back. There's this empty void. It's really bothering me.

Now that I know what the problem is, I must face the hardest part and that is figuring out how to fix it. Or even begin fixing it. Maybe I'm making it seem harder than it really is... It's been so long now though...

I apologize for being extremely vague, but this is about someone. I can't disclose information like that publicly. It's not fair.

I was reading old blog entries, very old blog entries, entries I posted over a year ago- even two years ago and venting my feelings on situations like this (and even particularly this very situation) is a trend. It really helps me though. Even right now I feel a bit better. It's nice to be able to get my thoughts out.

Like I've said before, blogging really does help me. It's important that I keep doing it. As you may know already, I have been writing in a journal every day since my 17th birthday this year, which has also been great, but there's something about blogging. I suppose it has to do with being published for anyone to see, the possibility that my thoughts and feelings could help someone else out as well. I've written about the blogging community and how amazing I think it is, and I still stand by that. It's amazing how the simple act of writing what you think and sharing it with like-minded people can have such a positive effect. I find it refreshing. I love it.

So, to recap, I feel like I'm in limbo. You know, that weird abandoned place you get banished to for years when you die in a dream within a dream within a dream.



I'm working on getting out. Wish me luck.

Singing off,


1 comment:

Skippy said...

I'm reading this, and I'm struck by how much of a parallel there is to my life. I've been really antsy lately, trying to find things to distract myself with because I know that if I stop and introspect I'll get caught up in some issues I have. It's always good to introspect - however, sometimes you need someone to rant to or else you'll get caught in a loop of bad reasoning. I hope this is a step in the right direction for you, and if there's anything I can do just let me know.